Earth calling Great Britain: You're no longer great and you're about to become un-Britified. A growing number of uneducated peasants are taking over the political arena and the cultural institutions. Now they've hijacked the English language, seriously proposing to dumb it down by spelling all words phonetically. I guess the American ghetto vocabulary ("dawg," "hoe," "gangsta") wasn't enough of a simplification to make yourself understandable. Together with Portugal we're now closing in on our Third World friends in Brazil. No need for messy translations anymore, since every citizen of the World Empire (c) will be able to say the magical words "I need money" and "I've got hoes in the back, wanna go foh a raaiidh?"

Read Victoria McMagnus' latest column: Idiocrats Hijack British Language