After the first month in almost a hundred years with no magnetic spots recorded on the surface of the sun, fears are rife that the sun is about to blink out of existence and end all life on earth.

Supermarkets across the country are quickly selling out stocks of tin-foil hats as frantic consumers attempt to purchase their way out of the impending oblivion.

Hope however comes in many forms. And once in a while it comes tall, black and full of warm love for mankind. Democrat candidate and future president Barack Obama has declared that if the sun fails, he will replace it with his own heavenly glow.

Speaking at an outdoor gathering of supporters and press, president Obama announced: "Fear not my friends! As if to fulfill the prophetic faith you have all placed in me, I will realign the gravitation of the solar system to make everything within it revolve around me. And yes, I will shine for you all with a holy light that exudes from deep within me - and all shall live in eternal joy, peace and tropical heat! Believe in celestial change and we can achieve it!"

Republicans, whilst dismissing Obama's proposals as unrealistic, have nevertheless promised to build a new oil pipeline between the earth and the sun to ensure it remains fueled and switched on for at least the next four years. Other counter-proposals include a plan to polish up John McCain's bald head til it is shiny enough to reflect a significant amount of the sun's existing rays; which projections suggest will increase the amount of sunlight on earth by 31.4%.